Name: Santa Claus.
Aliases: “Santa.” Kris Kringle. St. Nick. The Jolly Old Fat Man.
Mission: To deliver presents to all of the good children of the world in one night, annually.
Accomplices: Eight flying reindeer. Elves. Mrs. Claus. A loose cannon known as “Rudolph.”
Focus of Investigation: How does Santa Claus visit all of the children in just one night?
Analysis: The criminal mastermind known colloquially as “Santa” has been charged by authorities with billions of counts of illegal trespassing. Santa also travels across the globe without a valid passport (or any passports at all).
The man — or large elf, as he is believed to be — has a unique M.O. He enters houses via chimneys, heating ducts, doggie doors, and other vulnerabilities and, unlike most criminals, leaves gifts behind rather than taking anything with him.
Note: Santa has been accused on numerous occasions of taking milk, cookies, and carrots for his reindeer accomplices, but it is understood that these objects are always left for him by overly trusting children.
The question that plagues investigators, aside from the inexplicable mirth and generosity of this Santa Claus, is how exactly Santa travels to so many houses in just one night.
Fortunately, a researcher from North Carolina State, a Dr. Larry Silverberg, believes that he has cracked the case.
Going deep undercover — presumably as an elf with a thyroid problem — Dr. Silverberg was able to visit North Pole Labs where he got a glimpse at the vast array of technology used by Santa.
Evidently, Santa is able to travel to approximately 80 million houses in one night using a principle known as “relativity clouds.” Taking advantage of rips in the time/space continuum, Santa is able to bend and stretch pockets of time so that, while it feels like only minutes pass to those of us experiencing time at a normal rate, Santa is able to expand those periods to several months. Just as a person who travels at light speed experiences time more slowly, so does Santa Claus, according to Dr. Silverberg.
Of course, this new information indicates that Santa is not only a criminal mastermind, but also a mad scientist. Needless to say, authorities are on high alert.
Action: Should you spot Santa Claus, be advised that he is excessively jolly and prone to absurd laughter, usually following a “ho, ho, ho” pattern.
Take caution, as he has managed to evade all law enforcement for approximately two thousand years. (Note: Due to his extreme age, Santa is likely to be a regular procurer of plastic surgery — his appearance has likely shifted since his last known sighting.)
Protect the happiness of your Christmas morning by informing him (and the authorities, aka your parents) what you would like for Christmas. Do so at your own peril.